Deferenses, domes

The Internet According to the Interstate: I-4

Welcome to The Internet According to the Interstate, a sporadic tour of the URLs one encounters on billboards. I will do one of these every time I drive or bus along a stretch of Interstate. My aim is to explore the cross-section of the Internet presented by billboards, that most clumsy and obese form of analog communication. (“Obese” might be unfair if blimps are still around.)

It’s a how-do-I-count-the-ways thing with Interstate 4. The term “I-4 corridor,” between Tampa and Daytona and of course encompassing Orlando, is often thrown around in predicting how Florida will swing in presidential elections. It’s a nerve-wracking area to learn how to drive on. It seems to breed annoying, random slowdowns. I’ve always found driving in the old Corridor to be a tense and dysfunctional mix of sluggishness and aggression. There’s always that 10 percent of dudes who furiously weave in and out among traffic, dooming us all to a drive full of near-misses, fueled by sun-seasoned douche-nitro.

And yet, for a road that takes you to Disney World, countless outlet malls, and Celebration, Florida, I-4 seems to have a pretty sober, businesslike selection of billboards these days (especially compared to the speedy right-wing slideshow of abortions and Obamanations along I-75). They taper off after Sanford, so this reflects roughly Polk through Seminole Counties.

Trip: From Tampa to I-95, roughly 132 miles. Doesn’t Dr. Doug Stein look rakishly delighted to strangle your swimmer factory? Why is this billboard down toward the southern end, and not in the areas where minivan-loads of kids usually converge? You can’t drive or watch TV in Central Florida without powerhouse attorney John Morgan’s tortured throw-pillow of a face bobbing your way. A site promoting the state’s AIDS Drug Assistance Program. Got shit that needs to be under a dome? You can even rent one!

MarkhamWoods.TV: What I remember being a mild-mannered local church, now with a megachurch-looking website. “I , Melissa A. Wilson, Esquire, the attorney at Advocate Law Firm, P.A. am not challenged by the nature of any case or criminal charge and offer consultations regardless of the seriousness of the allegations or claim….. Why choose Advocate Law Firm, P.A.? Have YOU ever argued with a woman?”

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